back to nobody.

After realizing what I had done, I started to stumble my way to the garage. I brought some water with me knowing that I needed to hydrate myself over the process. I was fighting an inner battle debating whether even in this drunk state, which makes me as open as a book, I should tell my mom my deep secret that I’ve been struggling with for a long time.

My face went blank. I was quiet. I couldn’t help but stare into my mom’s eyes. She knew I had something to tell her. I don’t think she really knew what I wanted to say, but she asked me what’s wrong.

Nothing.

I was about to chicken out, until she asked me again, “Peter, what’s wrong?”

“I’m gay.”

Maybe it was because of the alcohol, but my emotions took over and I started crying. I don’t know if it was out of a defense mechanism, or because I didn’t know how my mom would react, but I thought that crying would reduce the blow a bit on how my mom would react. I bury my face into her knees. I completely forgot that my mom is an emotional person. Seeing me cry would definitely make her cry.

I didn’t try to hide it though. I didn’t tell her I THINK I’m gay, or I’m bi. I flat out told her my sexuality. And not in that moment, but later, I felt a huge burden release from my shoulders.

I continued to cry as she rubbed my back. My dad had walked in at one point but quickly retreated, not knowing what was wrong. She asked me a few questions. How long? Have you had a boyfriend? She initially thought I was just going through a phase and didn’t know what I was talking about because I was drunk, which is the reason I regret coming out while intoxicated. But at the same time, I don’t think I would’ve had the courage to this day to do so. By this point I had sobered up from the crying. When it comes to a hard truth like this, or any type of emotion, I often sober up a lot faster than normal.

My ex-boyfriend, prior to my coming out, broke up with me for reasons of his own, such as religion, and fighting an inner battle with himself refusing to be gay. She thought that I was going through this inner battle, and that he broke up with me for that reason. He wanted to be with someone who was sure he was gay. Little did she know it was the opposite way around, but he was still the one that broke up with me.

She asked me if I wanted to tell my dad, to which I said no. I told her no because I wasn’t sure how he would react. That I wasn’t ready. But my dad talked to my mom the next morning about what happened. He told her that I’m still their son and they love me. He had a feeling. The next few weeks were awkward. We didn’t really talk. A few weeks later though, they asked me to see a doctor – that it’s a hormonal imbalance. That I can be “cured.” They asked me on Christmas Day.

I told them no. They asked me to at least think about it. Knowing I would say no, I still told them I would think about it. The week before my birthday – a month later – they told me they made an appointment ON MY BIRTHDAY. They told me to not tell the doctor that I was there to “cure my illness” but for other reasons that hormones can “solve.” I think they know that the doctor would’ve laughed at them. Their request is ridiculous. They told me to tell them ASAP because they would have to confirm or cancel the appointment 48 hours prior to my visit. I told them no, cancel it. I didn’t hesitate. My mom was quiet for 5 minutes and started crying. She tried to make me feel guilty by telling me she was dying. She can’t eat – she’s lost 7 pounds. Blah blah.

This is my life. One that I do enjoy, but I do wish my parents were okay with this part of my life. It’s hard, but I hope they can learn to continue loving me and accept that this part of my life isn’t going to change. Yes, I’m gay, but that’s not what makes me, me. There are so many qualities about me that I wish they could see. But they choose to focus on this one part of my life and get emotional over it. To this day, we still do not talk about it. It’s strange because since then my relationship with my parents has gotten stronger in every aspect, but they don’t even bring up the gay aspect of my life. I guess only time will tell what will happen with my parents. Now if only I was comfortable enough to tell my parents I’m dating someone. But that’ll just have to wait until I get drunk with my parents again (kidding).